Mourning my spontaneity

image source: @eccentricsky

I don’t write poems anymore

I don’t know why

It doesn’t seem to matter

Wait, maybe I do

I have an inner bicker

Between my sane self

And the I who suffer

Full of paradox, not metaphor

Spontaneous is the other

The another stutter

This is what I feel

An old soul,

Sick and ill

The trunk of the tree

Gave up on me

I fell swaying so stiff

I am a floating dry leaf

I am a fleeting mist

in a vast ocean

A poem of no gist

A bootless potion

My laptop told me this morning, it's been a year since I penned this. I have yet to edit, revise, or do whatsoever to finish it. Although I remember countless attempts, it all failed to add clarity to a vague picture of how foggy and hopeless my quarter life is getting. I guess, the best and the only metaphor to envelope this senseless and directionless poem is the poem itself. Apart from the seemingly dooming downfall of a young life, it also covers the reality that I can only start something and never find a will to finish it or lack the ability to do so.

Just recently, I realized that no matter how saddening the thought of losing is - may they be people, ability, talent, job, dreams etc. I only take hope in knowing it is a poignant poem. And it wasn't supposed to end up poignant as life is still wheeling and it ain't the end yet.

Honesty hour (an excerpt from my journal)

Image source: @eccentricksy

What a sucker life I have.

As I wake up every morning, I ask myself, “When will life take me?”, when all I should be asking myself is, “What can I do with my life and to the others’ benefit today?”. Also, I ask myself, “When am I going to take my own life away?”

Screwed up, twisted, exhausting life. 

Oh why.

I lack a good story to tell the people I love. Happens when nothing good really happens.

I have read a lot of books about anything under the sun - Bible, philosophy, poems, history,  novels, autobiography, yet so little lessons learned. 

I have a lot of things in my past not worthy and too shameful to look back on. 

I (tried) to do everything right. 

Yet I feel so incomplete and lacking. 

I’m wasting my time. 

I make sure the only hour that’s without an activity is for a nap - I fill time with a lot of stuff to do but somehow, it’s still being wasted.

Truth is …

I could etch in my heart all the teachings in the book of Proverbs and all the fundamental principles in life and I can still blow it up. 

I heard one of the most sincere apologies yet still finds a way to doubt even just an inch of it.

I talked about how life is worth living and the beauty of it and that you’re loved and all the fancy schmancy that come along with my beautifully ribboned encouragement and felt like everyone else’s, except mine, is worth another tomorrow.

More than knowing, I understand and learned (the painful way) that all feelings, of course, are valid (thanks to all the rejection and the judgment I experienced in the past). I learned how to be empathic. Our experiences affect us and the people around us in ways more than one. Our upbringing, belief, past, culture - they all play a part. The other could supersede the latter and/or the former. The sameness or the resemblance of our situations don’t mean it has been pulled by the same gravity in effect.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

YET, I came to realize that not all things I’ve come across with and felt are true.

They might be sound,  reasonable,  rational,  logical,  justifiable - valid BUT not always true.

I felt (still feeling, tbh) like a failure.

But even truer than all of these is - I am a work in progress. I am in the process of learning and understanding even more.

Funny how I feel alone in the company of more than three most of the times. 

I feel lost. 

However, I cannot discount the people who stayed with me and loved me, or the strangers that didn’t hesitate to smile (gahd that newbie-in-walking-bald-baby  last night in the coffee shop who kept smiling at my direction) or my patients for the thank you’s, or my seniors for the mild appreciation, or even my not-so-close-casual-friends who laugh at my dated jokes and make me feel like somehow, I saved the day when really, you saved mine.

I could feel worthless; I could feel like a fleeting mist hanging above a vast ocean - microscopically smaller than small, here now, gone later. 

But the fact that my journal is still inked with another entry, typing, feeling, thinking, breathing, maybe … just maybe, I am worth another day of living. 

As a matter that occupies space, maybe I am worth what I occupy that I feel like the world is leasing me.

Maybe, I am not a wasteful oxygen-consuming human being.

Maybe, just maybe … I am worth another shot.

Part of learning and the progress I hope I am making is the realization that whenever I feel:

Nobody loves me

Everyone leaves me

The deficiency

The insecurity

The self-lack

That I’m no better

I’m a loser

Another schmuck whose brain is cooked with meds

Needs to achieve more

Needs to prove more

All the lies whether they are in my head or from somebody else’s mouth …

I learned how to have this time of solitude and stop listening to all these lies. I learned to be alone sometimes; I learned how to stop it - all the calls; the messages; the notifications … I sit down by myself and pray, “Father, I am going to listen to You. I recognize and acknowledge the existence of all these things. I feel these things. I feel I’m better off dead. I am so insecure. I feel unloved. I feel so embarrassed for the things I should have known better to do differently, for the things I failed to do and the people I failed. I am consumed by this voracious anxiety and worry and lack of faith to You. I am worried about the results of my life’s choices. But here I am, without any religious covering, without any self-justification, just the pure confidence that I am bought with a price. Before Your throne is the Alyssa you desire - not the perfect Alyssa but all of Alyssa so here I am - hear me”

Lessons from the Little Prince

Image Source: writesomething.org

For those who haven't read the book yet (wait why on earth haven't you read the book yet?), major spoilers ahead. You've been warned.

There are some things or happenings or people in my life who made such a great impact. It shaped me and molded me to whoever I am today. Some of them even served as a shifting gear of who I am becoming. And today, I wanted to start off by sharing my reflections from one of my many favorite books - The little prince.


It's a children's book that catches not only kids, but also kids at heart. It's a mainstream! And those who are genius enough to read it, are geniuses indeed!

If I am to tell you e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g I loved about the book, it's going to beat my longest blog post ever twice. Or maybe thrice, because there are so much to tell because there are so much to learn from. And since I want to keep this short as much as possible, I will try so hard to not get so pumped up in sharing it out.

image source: angelfire.com

Thought#1: The tiny planet and the baobabs.
We all have comfort zones. The zone where we do anything to protect its state of being comfortable and pleasurable. We become so watchful of the things that grow there because we know that what we let grow on it can be a potential for danger, or added beauty. Just like what the little prince does on his tiny planet. Flowers bring beauty to his planet, so flowers he water. But baobab, when grows up can destroy his home, so baobabs, he uproot. More like us. We protect that relationship, or that person, or that thing, or that dream, or that image from anything that spoils its beauty. Because if we do not, we feel destroyed and hopeless. And we found ourselves wondering everyday, where to go from here? It represents the grave danger that can transpire if we are too lazy to guard the world around us.

Thought#2: The departure.

Instead of confronting issues in life, we run away. It's easier. It's less hurtful. And we see it as a good distraction from remembering our painful experience. The little prince in the book found out that his ever beloved rose lied to him. So he flew away in response of what happened. But we can learn from the succeeding happenings in the book that running away wasn't really that a big help at all. When he left, there were unresolved issues. As a result, there was not a day the rose didn't occupy his thoughts — if it's still there, or if the glass globe protects the rose enough and so on. It worries him. Like us, the haunting goes on in the present if we are uncertain of what we left in the past.

image source: writesomething.org

Thought#3: The vain and naive rose.
From out of nowhere it came and it changed the prince forever. It is undeniably beautiful but proud in nature. What I reflected upon reading their story are some of the many realities that happen in life. Say for example, the person you do not expect coming, comes, and gives you something to look forward to everyday.  And, there's always gonna be someone who loves someone more. Okay, those weren't really that sensible. On a serious note, people who are full of themselves find it hard to express their love. More often, the person might not intend to drive people away but pride does. And sometimes, when we go back to our senses, it's too late to persuade the people we love to stay. Pride hurts not only those who love us but also ourselves.
When we have pride, it is so hard to see the hands that are ready to help us just like the photo on the right side that I have seen somewhere in the internet. We find pride more precious than what we really need.  Moreover, we become oblivious of the sacrifices and the love one makes for us when we have this. The pride and the rose. What a beautiful metaphor!



Thought#4: The 44 sunsets

"You know--one loves the sunset, when one is so sad..." - The little prince.

image source: cloudfront.net

I agree on this! Specially that we're both alike — sentimental (ha. ha.). On a realistic point of view: maybe the saddest loves the sunsets (or sunrise for some) so much because it gives them the hope of tomorrow (or the emerging another). While on the other view: we tend to appreciate whatever we have regardless of how meager they are when we are at our lowest. The sun — when in its highest point can burn a skin; can increase the temperature of the ocean that causes vapor thus, typhoons; or dries up the ground hence, drought will occur. But when in its lowest point — it brings unique colors in the sky; its beauty become appreciated; everyone can look onto it for it harms no eyes anymore. It gives a more beautiful look in the heaven when the sun is in its lowest than that of when it is in its highest. The rest of what I have realized, I will leave by quoting the Bible. Let this verse speak for itself:

Before a downfall the heart is haughty, but humility comes before honor - Proverbs 18:12 NIV 

Thought#5: The five planets

IG post form @eccentricsky

Every planet that the prince has gotten into has its own inhabitant. The first planet that he landed was ruled by a king who claims to rule the universe. He is unkind and tho he has a title, his reign is empty. The second planet was inhabited by a vain man. He always wants his beauty appreciated and is voracious of admiration. However, only by being alone is he assured of such grandiosity. The third planet he went into has a drunkard man. He spends his days and nights drinking as much booze as he can and embarrassed about it. He's a sad figure. The fourth one was the businessman. He owns all the stars yet remembers nothing and neither contributes to them. The sixth planet was inhabited by a geographer. He is a man of wisdom and he studies a wide variety of stuff but refuses to learn from the planet where he resides. I find these five interesting because they resemble that of human beings. There are people who have the position but don't get much of the work done. Usually, they're unkind, proud, and lacks empathy. There are also some who are so full of themselves. They live for the applause of other people. There are also who would like to forget so they drink their depressions up but are too naive to admit that they have problems and too scared to face them. Also, there are some who have it all but not really. They have the money but they do not have the one to comfort them on lonely nights. Usually, they are unappreciative. They also collect more and more money but it does nothing on him. There's something lacking in his life but is too busy to notice it. Lastly, there are wise men who tell other people about what has to be done but never told himself what has to be done in his.



Thought#6: The lamplighter

image source: stockimage

The fifth planet was inhabited by a lamplighter. I decided to separate this from the others because he's the only one who has more pros than cons. He might seem eccentric at first but I adored him on the latter part of the story. Why? Because of his selflessness and faithfulness. Though restless and exhausted, "orders are orders" still.
Pros: Faithful, selfless, obedient, servant therefore great (Matthew 23:11).
Cons: unloving towards self.
Like a line in one of my favorite poem says: "Rest if you must, but don't you quit", we must continue to do whatever we are passionate about but we must know when to rest. In fact, in Bible, rest is a command. Because we all deserve it. A balance of hard-work and rest is a must. Anything that goes beyond the other doesn't do good anything at all.

Thought#7: The fox



 

I could in fact, write an entire blog post about the fox. But today, I'll keep my thoughts up as short as possible. Among the many happenings in the story, the prince's encounter with the fox is one of my favorite indeed. It tackles about relationships. The first thing I have learned from him is that only the heart can see accurately. The second is, you'll only know the worth of someone you love if you give it a space sometimes. Third, establishing relationships have cultures and limits. Fourth, to love entails responsibility. Lastly, you only know you love a person when you let them go. The fox too, like the lamplighter, is selfless. However he knew that even before they met, the prince has certain goals. Even though it pains him, he encouraged the prince to leave and do whatever it is for his own best interest.

awwwwwwww

While there are still many other characters and scenarios I'd like to tackle regarding the story, I'd like to just share whatever it is that marked in my heart the most.

So how did it affect me after reading?

I only realized that children are honest and have pure hearts. Not that I never believed that ever before, just that I never mean to say it the way I do now. That is why it is so important to cultivate their purity and honesty with love, sincerity, and careful instructions. 

Moreover, to choose the people who will tame you, to set boundaries, to build unique relationships, and to love is to sacrifice
— the most exciting thing in life to do yet the most poignant. But like what they say, it's always darkest before the dawn.

My lover

@eccentricsky

Tell me stories …

The Argo, Jason, The walls of Troy

Perhaps, tell me who you are —

You can be Yoda's apprentice

Or a Jedi knight with a purple lightsaber

And also what do you do for a living?

You write novels full of metaphors

You auction Volkswagen beetles

Or a contributor in a Britannica Encyclopedia

Whoever you are and whatever you do

I am excited to know you

Brave (Josh Groban)

Take time to hear Josh Groban sing this ... and listen to how I exhort myself

Forgiving

@eccentricsky

Today, I thought about my friends.

Okay, let me clear this out first.

I have a whole lot bunch of acquaintances whom I smile and joke around with and then here comes friends whom I share my life with.

The rest are some people I just tolerate (an inside joke). 

Now back to what I'm saying, I thought about my friends.

Okay, let me clear this out first ... again.

I have childhood friends, and high school friends, and college friends, and church friends, and college/church (pls. read the '/' not with 'or' but with 'slash') friends.

Christ in me

@eccnetricsky

"I want to buy an apple laptop. I think there are more options they offer in the Sm Aura branch than in Bonifacio Global City branch. I'm going to take a bath and I should leave soon ... to get my new apple laptop."

And shortly, I woke up. It was just a dream.

Of course it's just a dream!I don't have the means to buy an apple laptop. Oh how I wish!

Thoughts before my 20th birthday

@eccentricsky

Today, January 19th of 2014 — exactly 20 days before my birthday.

From this day on until February 7th, I will be religiously posting out my thoughts and other stuff inside my thriving head.

For this day, I'd like to share out what has gotten into me why on earth have I thought about doing this.

Hmmm ... let me think. Maybe, I have been brooding about the fact that I haven't posted anything lately. Or maybe, I wanted to feed the starving writer in me. Or maybe, I wanted to see how life has been good to me (and how I've been good in life ... kidding!) in words and not just in my mere thoughts.

What's Going On?

No one called

while we were away.

No one calls

after we return.

I spend time

watching TV,

playing solitaire

on the computer,

and reading magazines

Jackson hangs around

some of the time.

But I still wish

someone

would

pick up the

phone

and

talk

to

me.

 (I heart you, you haunt me by Lisa Schroeder)

The Next Morning

What if it was

just

a

dream?

(I heart you, you haunt me; Lisa Schroeder)

Jobs on asking and failing

My new year’s prayer

Image source: IG @eccentricsky

My prayer for this season of my life

Lord, I struggle not knowing what your plans are for me. I have a hard time surrendering what I want to control. I'm eager to do what only You can do. So many times I act on impulse and out of my unwillingness to wait I end up dishonoring you. Help me be self controlled, help me give You authority over my life, help me know when to back off and let You work. Amen.